a long night~

is this the final moment i had with her? well, i already told myself to let it go if i dint success last night, but until now, i still couldn't let go. i finally realized how much pain i gave her, i finally realized how stupid am i , and i finally realized that when i said i want to change but which i dint really do it. i told her,how much i love her, its my dearest true heart, and she knows, but she just dont know how to accept me back after all the events/things happened between us. she as well told me about tat "guys" who is actually trying to approach her as well. i do not what him to be with tat guys seriously! i dont want ! i dislike him, although anyone can say tat im just not willing because i lose to him. from every expects, i seems to have lose if compare, and what my last weapon is my true heart. but unfortunate, only with this is not going to make us together, i got to make changes towards myself, armed up myself, atleast for now she is still single, n i do stand a chance if i had did it. i loves her so much, i would really do whatever she wants for her. therefore, this is the time to show how faithful i am that love her. i will make changes to myself, for her, for me, for us to be together. i love her with my dearest heart, i do not want to make that night as our finals night together, i want to be with her forever and ever, or at least until either of us falls. it was really a long long night, but i had a good time chatting with her, i feels so comfortable, so natural being with her. for this time, i had written down all the points she want me to change, i will do my best to be a better person and the perfect husband for u evelyn. i love you evelyn, i hope u give me some times. 我下定决心了!要勇敢爱你，就要为你改，为我们的未来，我相信我可以做的很好的. 谢谢你，和我谈了一整个晚上。筱微，我爱你！

为了谁?

为了她，我放弃了很多朋友们的聚会，就是为了让她知道我很想和她出去，可是她的时间常常都不定，这让我失去了朋友们的聚会，就连家人的family dinner 我都推掉，结果还是一场空，同时也让我的生活次序乱完了。那时候的我，把爱情放在第一位，傻傻的以为爱情大过天，我的生活有她在就够了，可是现在的我，爱情没了，就连和我kepong的朋友们的关系，友情都生疏了。昨晚的我，出去和朋友喝茶，竟然发现我参不进他们的conversation了。这让我的心痛上加痛。T_T 该是时候好好为自己想下了~

还是我的错

千错万错，都是我的错，原来我现在才知道，流露真表情，真性情,也是会在不知觉的情况下伤害最不想伤害的人。其实可能我早已知道这结果，只是我选择了继续努力，为最后一次奋斗。我其实有时也觉得很奇怪，前几天的心情就已怪怪的，有一种莫名其妙的伤感，我想我其实早就知道事情会发生到这个地步，只是我不愿面对。
她明明也已经做的很出面了，她想避开我，避免跟我出去的可能，要不是我们买了演唱会的票我想我根本没有机会再跟她出去了。我很伤心，只是伤心总是难免的，我又何故一往情深？是我不甘愿，不甘心我们的爱就此沉入海底。
我们还有可能吗？我当然很希望我们可以在一起，但是她接受不了，我对她造成的伤害，很多，但我也很伤，大家都很累。我想这次星期六的演唱会将会是我们最后一次的出去吧。我很高兴她曾经在我生命中出现过，给了我很多美好的回忆。而我真的很不舍得这些就这样变成回忆。因为我的生命中，她已成为了我活着的元素之一。我很爱你，但我不能和你在一起了，对不起。
我虽然很不想，但是我还是想说，“祝福你，希望你找到一个比我更好的人，同时也和我一样深爱着你的人，要幸福” 我会慢慢的在你生命中离开，但我很想你知道，不管我去到哪里，我都依然爱着你，你有什么事都可以找我帮忙;)
我爱你，Evelyn 张筱微，这是我最后一次的跟你说了，希望你有天回想起，曾经有个很爱你很爱你的人，但却不知道怎样去爱你的人，出现过在你生命。

（我到很好奇几年后的我看回这篇的时候会是什么感觉的呢？ ）

WHYY!!!

why why whyy!!! i wanted to celebrate ur birthday with you soooo much! but u just rejected me>_<
im soo sad ~ because i feels like u trying to avoid going out wif me, either the concerts, if not because of we have bought the ticket i guess i can hardly go out wif u alrd.
i dont know what to say, i just saw the fb n u r outing with others guys n celebrating ur bday, im so sad that im not the one be with u there to celebrate wif u. T_T i just feels like crying, do u know how much i wish to celebrate wif u, do u really knows tat?! i just feels like being left out by her, im so sad! i wanted to celebrate ur bday wif u sooo badly! >_< why cant i!!!!! why must be HIM! who is celebrating wif u dam it ! I HATE HIM!
im soo serious about you! i care! everything ! i care for you, n yet im now feelings liek being treated like i dont know what its @_@
im seriously emo here, i have no idea what kind of feeling am i having now=_= sadness? dissapointment? angry? unhappy? not willing to?! i truly have a combination of all of this feeling in my heart now, i n have no idea what to do over here.
actually at this point, i suppose to be very happy or at least enjoy, because i just finished all the assignment and presentation! whats left is exam only. but im truly having a combination of negetive feeling inside me! i dont like it ! dam ! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
i wanna cry! T_T
n of cause there are words that i wanted to say to u ,
Happy Birthday Evelyn, I love you with all my heart, and wishes you all the best.

what i want actually ? :-O

i have no idea what i want actually, im a dreamers, i have a lots of dream , but i dont really work hard to make it happen, i just wait for the lucks to come and drop upon my head. when the lucks dint came, i will just say:" im not good for this i stop working".
i seriously have nothing good in me, i couldn't make my parents proud of me, i couldn't make evelyn feels proud to hold my hand and walk together. i am just a loser, who doesn't learn from the past lesson whereas i become worst than before. i dont really know who i am right now, i dont really know what im capable of, i dont know what can i do, i am just so noob and even worst LAZY!
i couldn't compare to anyone around me , they all just looks so amazing in their own ways, and me? i just looks like a dumb ass who jokes around and never serious.
i hate this feeling, in the world of comparison, i have no choice but to compare myself to other as well, even with my good friends, like JB aka Jason sue, he is working with her mom, and he is amazing, he got the leadership talents born with him, i am so envy for that. he is my brother, is like my real big brother, and seriously, he lead me when we were in secondary, without him, i could have lost myself and have no idea where am i gonna be.
another is JiaQian, he is very good in computing skill, compare to me , i feels sorry for myself to have so little computer knowledge when im the one who start to study computer course. seriously i have no idea about the computer, hardware or software also. i wonder why i choose computing course when i dont even know how to fking do reformat for a computer before
well, im actually suppose to be rushing the assignment now, n just a sudden emotion that caught me here @_@ perhaps, its the moody weather from this morning until now that make me feels down. so enough break now, continue with the assignment now ! u still have a mountains of works to be done MR.TJ! let's go go go !

心情反复的一天~

今天天气阴阴的，搞到我的心情都有点emo>_<
我不知道该怎么做，想放弃，却又放不下。
想努力，却又不知道该怎么做
我决定在下个星期，做出最后一次的努力，
我累了，该做的不该做的都做了，她依然很冷淡
我很希望这只是过渡期，毕竟这星期的确很忙
下星期，最后作战！ 保佑我成功吧！

1st of July~

it has been awhile since i left here blanked, but now i have return , with hurts, with scars, with sadness, with broken heart, without love.
today is a day full of emotional, i am really so stress , i am so worried, i am scare, i am thinking negativity.
it start from yesterday 5:05pm when i sms her and couldn't reach her, i have wait n wait, worry to worrys, scare to fear. i maybe had make the things goes crazy, but it all for your safe-ness. i would do anything to make sure u are fine. because of me pushing the panic button and spread influence, everyone is worry for her as well, im sorry. im sorry for making everyone u know looking for u , im sorry to disturbed ur life.
actually i always have a question wanted to ask u , but i am not dare to ask, because i may not able to handle the pain. still i will keep worrying u, but i might have forgotten that my status is different, im not ur BF anymore, i shouldn't had disturbed ur life going on. and im sorry for all the hurts i gave u that lead us to what we are right now.
am i going to give up ? im not sure, but this is the first time i hang on for so long, is a good thing after all. but still after today incident, i have no idea what we will be in the future, i love u and i always do, my love for u is never-ending loves.
Evelyn Tew Sheau Wei, I Love YOU from my deepest hearts, i hope we can begin again.
i miss holding ur hand and walk-around, i miss ur smile, i miss saying i love u everytimes i fetch u back, i miss everything from u. I, Woon Thong Jian (TJ) will always loves you Evelyn, hope our loves is never-ending.